Irrespective of whether they last 3 minutes or 20 minutes, most men I have discussed with about this topic said they wanted to last longer. Therefore, I am starting a series of articles on the challenges that men have in bed, how these affect them on a physical, mental and emotional level, how these affect their partner, and consequently, the relationship they are in, their capacity to have a strong career and make money, and their overall happiness and satisfaction in life, and how to achieve them.
What is the normal duration of penetrative sex?
In western societies, the “normal” duration of penetrative sex is about 3-5 minutes, and doctors consider ejaculating in less than 2 minutes qualifies as “premature ejaculation”. However, if you have ever had sex, you know that 3-5 minutes is way too little to enjoy pleasure, connect with your partner, and experience one or multiple full-body orgasms, so another definition of premature ejaculation would be ejaculating before both partners are satisfied (and satisfied means something different for every person).
The biggest obstacle in fixing anything is accepting the fact that there is an issue, and the root of all evil is SHAME. As most men identify themselves with their penis, whenever there is an issue “down there”, their speech starts like this, “I have started feeling less masculine, lost self-confidence, and think I am not good enough. I am ashamed of myself”. This is what one of the men I have discussed with shared with me. He said that when this happens, he has the tendency to blame it on his partner (“You are too sexy”) or just on the fact that he is too horny. Accepting he had a problem was not easy, but in doing this, he realized he was halfway through the solution.
Why Do You Ejaculate?
In order to gain more control and last as long as you want, you need to understand why you ejaculate in the first place. Here are some of the most common reasons why most men ejaculate, and feel free to add to this list whatever you think your reason is:
Pleasure
Most of the times, ejaculation is accompanied by a pleasant sensation that can last between 5 and 20 seconds. 99% of men put an equal between this and an orgasm. However, this is more like a “genital sneeze”, as one of my mentors likes to call it. Why? Because the sensation is limited to the genital area and it only lasts for a few seconds. What most men are not aware of is that orgasms are much more pleasurable and last much longer. Ejaculation is not the same thing with an orgasm. You can ejaculate without having an orgasm and you can have an orgasm without ejaculating. Separating ejaculation from the notion of orgasm can transform you in a multi-orgasmic man who can have full-body orgasms and last for hours.
Release tension and achieve relaxation
Another reason why men feel the urge to ejaculate is because there is too much sexual tension accumulated in their bodies, so they need to release it, as otherwise they become angry, cannot relax or sleep. If you find yourself in this situation, you can start a conscious self-pleasure practice through which you touch your whole body. By doing this, you will disperse the sexual energy in all your body, and you will create the foundation for experiencing amazing orgasms.
It comes naturally
Men’s bodies are programmed to ejaculate because that is when sperm is released, and sperm represents half of the “ingredients” for procreation. Also, due to our prehistorical ancestors who used to live mostly surrounded by wild animals, the instinct is to ejaculate fast when having sex, in order to make sure there will be successors, and the human species will survive.
Habit created by media and porn
Most men believe that they need to ejaculate when having sex, and this belief is created mostly by what they see in movies, and especially in porn. However, ejaculation is necessary only if you want to procreate.
Teenage experiences
Some men are in a hurry to ejaculate, because when they were adolescents, they didn’t have a safe space and time for masturbation. Most adolescents live with their parents and most parents consider self-pleasuring as sinful or shameful due to the religious dogmas.
So, when an adolescent wants to explore his body, he needs to do it fast, otherwise he may get caught and punished for doing something “wrong”. Now, as adults, they are just repeating the habit that was imprinted into the mind and body in that period.
Avoid emotional depth and connection
Intimacy is not that much connected to the naked bodies, that is connected to vulnerability. The longer you make love, the deeper you connect with your partner, and connection is something that many men fear because of factors like: belief that showing emotions makes them weak, fear of being fully seen, not knowing how to open up emotionally, fear they are not good enough.
Men don’t know there is an alternative
Ejaculation is not the same thing as having an orgasm – you can have orgasms without ejaculating.
This is something that most people are not even aware of, let alone know how to do it. Separating ejaculation from orgasm and practicing conscious sex requires self-responsibility, a desire to evolve and improve, and creating new habits in your life. This is not for the faint of heart, as you need courage to make this self-transformation journey.
What is the reason why you ejaculate? Give some conscious thought to this if you want to last longer and become a better lover. I would love for you to enjoy loving relationships, mind-blowing sex and an extraordinary life. To help you in this process, please subscribe to my newsletter in order to get notified about when I post the next article in this series.