First, let’s define ‘submissive’. According to the dictionary: "submissive = ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive".
I personally do not like the word 'submissive' because I feel it is very negatively charged. This word is used a lot in the feminine - masculine online discussions and unconscious BDSM spaces. However, most of the times, the people who use it are not very conscious beings and haven’t done the deep inner work on themselves to deeply understand the dynamic between feminine and masculine energy.
Let's understand feminine - masculine energy
Firstly, both men and women have feminine and masculine energy. We are all born from an ovule and sperm. We all have ‘being’ qualities (feminine) and ‘doing’ qualities (masculine).
Secondly, there is a difference between being a woman and being feminine, and being a man and being masculine. You can be a woman and identify yourself as a masculine essence and you can be a man and identify yourself as more feminine essence. These are mostly the people who are in same sex relationships.
Thirdly, there is a difference between being a woman and feminine energy, and being a man and masculine energy. As a woman, you can be both in your masculine and feminine energy. As a man, you can be both in your masculine and feminine energy. For example: when we rest, play, do something just because we enjoy it, receive something, we are in our feminine energy. When we work with a goal in mind, are focused, give to someone else, we are in our masculine energy.
Last but not least, a woman who identifies herself as feminine essence will thrive when she is mostly in her feminine energy. A man who identifies himself as masculine essence will thrive when he is mostly in his masculine energy. This is not to say that you can’t use your masculine energy if you identify yourself as a feminine essence or that you can’t use your feminine energy if you identify yourself as a masculine essence. Of course you can and it’s actually a healthy thing to use both your feminine and masculine energies.
How does feminine and masculine energy work in relationships?
What we need to understand is that between the masculine and the feminine there is a leader - follower dynamic. And both feminine and masculine can lead and can follow. Feminine energy leads through desires, dreams, respect, admiration, nourishment, intuition, spiritual connection while masculine energy leads through actions, goals, purpose, direction, providing, protecting, cherishing.
This means that in a partnership the one who identifies as a feminine essence will lead differently from the one who identifies as a masculine essence. When the feminine leads, the masculine follows. When the masculine leads, the feminine follows. This doesn't mean that whenever your partner leads you need to follow. Sometimes your partner can lead towards something that may not be healthy or beneficial to you. That is why it's important to be connected to your true self first and foremost and to allow your own desires and dreams (inner feminine) to lead your actions and direction in life (inner masculine).
Also, sometimes the person who identifies as a feminine essence (the woman) will lead from her masculine energy and the person who identifies as a masculine essence (the man) will lead from his feminine energy. That is OK. The important thing is for the woman to lead mostly from her feminine energy and for the man to lead mostly from his masculine energy.
Why is this important? Because men and women need polarity to be in a passionate partnership. Just like magnets, the positive pole attracts the negative pole, but the positive pole repels the positive pole. Many people are only roommates, they do not have lust and hot sex anymore because they are not in polarity. So, if you want to create attraction and passion, as a woman you need to express more feminine qualities in the relationship, whereas as a man you need to express more masculine qualities.
You can't be in a healthy relationship if you can't both lead and follow.
Now, back to ‘submissive’ and the idea of women being submissive to men.
I personally like using the word ‘surrender’ instead. Surrender implies there is already trust, safety and love between two people so one of them can surrender to the leadership of the other. 'Surrender' implies that the person who leads wants to help the person by leading them towards more well-being, health, peace, ease, joy, abundance, love and pleasure.
What we see in the world today is people who are in the shadow on the leadership, which is abuse, control, manipulation, violence. This also shows up in relationships: males (and females) who are not mentally and emotionally healthy think that the way they become men (and women) or how they show they are powerful is by making someone else their puppet.
The mindset of a predator: “I need you to be submissive so I can feel powerful.”
Ladies, if you ever hear a man saying that women should be 'submissive' or you feel that he tries to manipulate you in any way, take a break from interacting with this person or just RUN and never see them again.
First of all, this is not a man, he is a scared child who needs to work on himself and grow the F up.
Second of all, he may very well be an abuser and at some point he will use any form pf physical, emotional and mental violence to make you do whatever he wants.
Last but not least, you can't have a healthy and loving relationship with this kind of person no matter how healthy and loving you are. Do not play the savior with these people because you will become their victim. Go on with your life and find a man whose self-confidence and self-esteem comes from who he has become and what he has done in his life.
Ultimately, feminine energy is the calling of your soul and, ultimately, masculine energy is represented by the things you do and don't do because you are following what your soul whispers to you.
Again, both men and women have feminine and masculine energy. Before being a man or a woman, you are a human being. You came here to have certain experiences, to create and to build something, to explore, to grow, to evolve, to love, to play, to dance, to work, to be and to do. First and foremost, listen to your soul. Then, if what your soul desires in in alignment with someone else's leadership, follow. If it isn't, don't follow.
Don't make the mistake of losing yourself just so you can be in a relationship. It's not worth it. Your soul is the most precious thing you'll ever have. Take great care of it!
Before leading and following anyone else, you need to follow you soul and lead yourself into your dream life.
Ready to become your most powerful, loving and unfuckablewith self? In my coaching program, THE QUEEN, we will work on your healing, self-mastery, relationships and erotic skills, and your feminine energy so you become the woman your ideal man will recognize immediately and be in awe of.