"This is always happening to me… I always get dumped. I can’t believe I am going through this again…", my friend Ana (her name is not Ana, but for confidentiality considerations I changed it) told me with tears in her eyes.
‘I don’t understand… I thought this time it would be different. Why does this keep happening to me? Why are my partners so mean to me?’, she cried.
As her friend, I empathized, and I listened to her. However, since I am also a coach and a future therapist, I asked her if she wanted my input from these roles. She nodded.
‘You are now in the position of a victim because you are hurting. And it’s OK to feel sad and angry. However, believing that your destiny is predetermined, and there is nothing that you can do to change your life isn’t going to help you. You need to analyze which of your subconscious beliefs, patterns, behaviors, and unhealed emotional wounds have brought you in this situation. Taking responsibility for them will help you build a different relationship with your next partner.’.
She looked into my eyes and said, ‘I know, but sometimes it’s easier to blame others or just life itself.’
‘Yes, it may seem easier, indeed, but it’s not effective. You will end up wasting years of your life dealing with drama when you could live happily instead’, I said.
‘I am so tired of this shit!’
‘Well, think of it this way: shit is the best fertilizer. Imagine how much you could grow if you used it instead of fighting against it.’
‘Only you could say something like that’, she said smiling.
Having been through a long and profound self-transformational journey myself, I know there are solutions for most of the issues people have in their lives, careers, relationships and sex lives. But only the ones who do the work get the results they want.
Think of it like this:
Let’s say you want to go on a holiday. There are certain steps you need to take in order for that to happen: you need to decide where you are going, find accommodation, book plane tickets, prepare the luggage, go to the airport etc.
The same thing applies to changing your love and sex life: if you want to be in a relationship or to have much better sex, then there are specific things you can learn to do and tools you can learn how to use, skills you can develop, practices you can acquire so that all of these turn into reality. Relationships and sex are things you can learn, at which you can get better.
It takes a lot of courage to admit you are facing some challenges and you can’t fix them by yourself. When I started my own self-transformational journey, I thought that people are weak when they work with a coach or therapist, but now my perspective is completely different. Saying “I need help” and facing your “demons” require a great deal of strength.
But, don’t worry, I know from my own experience these challenges may be gifts in disguise.
“With great responsibility, comes great power.” Mark Manson - ‘The subtle art of not giving a fuck’)
A few months ago, I was reading this book, and I smiled when I saw it, because that was what I had also discovered in the previous years of my life. The author changed the word order in a well-known paraphrase in pop culture (“With great power, comes great responsibility.”) which has its origins in a collection of decrees made by the French National Convention during the French Revolution to emphasize the importance of self-responsibility.
I had been waiting for years to meet different kind of partners, but absolutely nothing changed until I realized I was the common denominator in all my previous relationships; it was I who was doing something wrong. Of course, my previous partners had their own issues to take care of, but who was the one choosing them? The same thing applies when it comes to sex.
I used to blame my partners, but I wasn’t taking responsibility for my own sexual behavior. Understanding how I function as a sexual being, healing and integrating my shadows, fully manifesting my superpowers and expanding my sexuality helped me become much happier, more confident, more skilled and multi-orgasmic.
I am telling you these profoundly intimate things because I want you to know that it really is possible to lead a thriving life, build a loving relationship and enjoy sexual ecstasy. I wasn’t born the person I am today. For years I lived a sad, dull life, I had no direction, I wasn’t able to stay in a relationship, and my orgasms, although easy to reach, lasted less than a minute. But now my life, along with my orgasms, are on a whole new level. What got me here was the commitment to my soul, the fact that I took responsibility for my own life, and I did what depended on me to create a better life.
‘There is a part of me who wants this, but there is also a part of me who is afraid’, one of my friends told me. Yes, this seems to be the case for most of us. That part of us that craves for change is our soul, while the part of us that loathes change is our ego.
Your ego is the only thing that is holding you back from living the life you want. That’s it, nothing else. Get into the habit of giving your ego the middle finger, because in doing so, you are leaving drama behind, and prioritizing the life you envision.
Our greatest gift is our capacity to co-create with the universe. Most people live their life waiting for a miracle to happen, but they do nothing to create the things they dream of. Don’t be like them, you will end up living an unhappy life! You are a powerful creator and you can take on any challenge, transform it, and manifest whatever you want.
Your life changes when YOU change!