‘Can I talk to you about something?’
‘Sure, what’s up?’
‘Well, I think I need your advice as sex coach on something…’
‘Ok, how can I help you?’
‘I can’t get orgasms with my boyfriend. I like making love to him, but I can’t get an orgasm…’
‘Tell me more about that. What does it look like when you have sex?’
‘We get naked and then you know… we have sex.’
‘You mean he penetrates you?’
‘What does your foreplay look like?’
‘We kiss a little bit and that’s it.’
‘Do you get an orgasm when you play with yourself?’
‘Have you told him you don’t have orgasms when you have sex?’
‘No, I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I just fake the orgasms and everybody is happy.’
‘Are you really happy?’
‘No, but I don’t know what to do…’
‘What about your previous boyfriends, what was it like with them?’
‘Well, now that you’ve mentioned it, there used to be one with whom I had orgasms, but he used to kiss, touch and play with me for longer before penetrating me. I really like that.’
Most women need foreplay because they have more feminine energy and feminine energy is like water: it needs more time, touch, attention to reach the boiling point, a.k.a. climax.
Masculine energy, on the other hand, is like fire, meaning it can ignite very quickly, but it can also burn out pretty quickly if it is not sustained (this is a challenge some men face because they don’t know how to manage their sexual energy, but this can be learned). Both men and women have masculine and feminine energy (fire and water) but depending on their energetic structure, the amounts may vary from one person to another.
Here are some of the reasons why a woman may fake an orgasm:
1. Low self-esteem
Subconsciously, she believes that she can’t be loved for who she is, so she needs to put on a “happy and perfect” mask, in order for her partner to love her. This is connected to subconscious beliefs, such as: “I am not good enough to be loved/I can’t be loved/I don’t deserve love.”
She might be afraid of telling you that she needs more foreplay because she might think you will perceive her as “too high maintenance”, and you might stop loving her or even break up with her.
2. Deep shame connected to sex
Somewhere in her past someone told her something like “sex is a sin, sex is bad, if you enjoy sex, you are a slut” etc. Therefore, subconsciously, she disconnects from feeling pleasure because she doesn’t want to “go to hell” or “be a slut”.
3. Sexual trauma or abuse
Unfortunately, these cases are more frequent than one might think. Many little girls are abused or raped by parents, brothers, friends; generally, people who should love and protect them, not harm them. Where sexual trauma is involved, there are a few things that might happen: as the trauma is stored in the body until it is healed, her body could go numb and stop feeling anything. If she felt pleasure or even had orgasm during the abuse, she now associates pleasure with abuse, and while having sex with a partner, she subconsciously prevents herself from feeling pleasure, as that would be a trigger for the unprocessed trauma.
Among the core characteristics of codependency there is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity. This is what is on her mind: “I am so focused on my partner, that I don’t know my own needs, and I also don’t know how to demand my partner to satisfy them. I don’t consider myself important enough to say what I want”.
She might like and need more foreplay or a different kind of foreplay. People get turned on by different things. There is no such thing as one-size-fits-all when it comes to foreplay.
Because of the judgment women face when it comes to sex, she might not be aware of what really turns her on because she isn’t connected to her own sexuality.
She is too tired, or she isn’t in the mood in the first place, and she just wants to “get it over with”.
Her life can be very busy, but sexual desire needs time and space to ignite and grow.
When people fast-forward their interactions, women might simply not have energy for sex because they are doing too many other things.
7. Never had one
She has never had an orgasm and she doesn’t know what it feels like. The taboo around sexuality makes women lack practice in self-satisfaction. Because of this, she simply doesn’t know her own body, how and what needs touching in order to have an orgasm.
She feels pressured to “perform” to give her partner pleasure. She thinks her partner expects her to have an orgasm, and that is what she gives him.This is connected to low self-esteem and codependency. She might experience thoughts such as: “For him to love me, I need to do everything that makes him happy. I don’t want to bother him with my own needs, because if I do this, he might not love me anymore”.
She needs to feel in control. People who have a strong need for control do that because they don’t feel safe and supported. Healing this wound takes time, but one thing that helps is snuggling.
10. Fear of intimacy and vulnerability
Orgasms require deep surrender and not just bodily nakedness, but emotional nakedness, too. An orgasm is one of the most profound experiences a human being can share with another human being. Letting yourself seen as you are can be scary, but only by doing this can you experience ecstasy, and create a loving connection with a partner.
Orgasms are messy, but in a good way. Here are some signs your partner is having an orgasm:
She is arching her back
Her body shakes, twitches, vibrates
Her vagina contracts and is very lubricated
She looks as if she is in a happy place
She might cry, moan, make various sounds
Her breath accelerates
Her face looks very different from her usual face, her mouth can be wide open, there might be saliva coming out of her mouth, her facial muscles can either contract a lot, or relax a lot
Signs that a woman is faking it:
She sounds porn-like
Her face looks as it usually does
After the “orgasm”, she acts as if nothing important has happened
If you are a woman and you are reading this, I want you to know that you deserve to be loved and to feel pleasure. There is nothing you need to do for these things, they are your birth rights.
There are solutions, and you can heal the wounds that pushed you to withdraw and prevent you from feeling pleasure. You can also transform the limiting beliefs that make you think your partner’s pleasure is more important than yours.
When you fake an orgasm, you are doing nothing more than shooting yourself in the foot: your partner doesn’t know there is a problem, so he will not know that something needs to be fixed. If you want to enjoy sex and bliss, then you need to be honest with yourself and with your partner, and to communicate with him about this. If you know your partner easily becomes defensive or aggressive, it might be better to seek professional help.
If you are a man, and you are wondering what you can do, here are a few ideas:
1. Communicate honestly
Take some time to discuss honestly with one another about how each of you really feels when you have sex. For her to be honest and open about this, you need to create a very safe space where she can feel seen, heard and loved. Therefore, make sure to listen more than you speak, and keep calm should she share with you things you don’t like hearing. It’s nothing more than information.
2. Do a “(s)exploration session”
Block a few hours in your calendars during which you can do things at your own pace, without rushing. Get curious about each other, and intend to discover new ways to satisfy one another. Touch each other more or in a different way than you have touched until now. Explore the whole body, you might be surprised with what you find. 😉
3. Apply the water principle I previously mentioned
Don’t go straight for her breasts and genitals, explore her whole body. Touch, caress, massage, kiss, bite (if she likes it). Warm her up before penetrating her. This way, both of you will have a much better experience making love.
Sexual pleasure and satisfaction are essential to many people, and not having them can lower the quality of life. There are plenty of solutions, and any challenge can be overcome. Don’t let shame get in the way, there is so much pleasure you can experience!