If you want to create a romantic partnership, the first thing you need to ask yourself, and make up your mind upon is the type of relationship in which you would like to be.
Why is this important? Well, imagine being in a monogamous relationship, when what you really want is to be in a polyamorous one. How would this affect you and your life? How would this affect the interaction with your partner? How would this affect your partner? Knowing the type of relationship in which you want to be will help you find a partner who wants to be in the same type of relationship as you, and this way you will avoid any unnecessary drama or waste of time.
There is still a lot of stigma and misunderstanding around relationships that are different in any way from the “normal” monogamous one. As my mission as a relationship and sex coach is to raise awareness and help people create the relationships of which they dream, I am going to give you more information about the most common types of relationships.
1. Single by choice
Some people simply do not want to be in a relationship with another person and that is alright as long as they consciously choose that. Our society sees single people as less valuable than people who are in a relationship, and there is a common misconception that there is something wrong with them. There is nothing wrong with you if you are single. Being single is as natural as being in a relationship.
Throughout our life, we go through different stages, and not being in a relationship, as well as being in a partnership, is nothing more than just a stage.
I also chose to be single when I felt I did not have the emotional or time availability for a relationship. For a while, I consciously decided to focus more on myself and on my dreams, and that turned out to be a great decision, because it allowed me to discover who I am and what I want. Of course, you can discover these things when you are in a relationship as well; what I want to convey is that people are different: what works better for you in a certain period may not work in the same way for someone else. Read more about this in the Single by Choice article posted on my blog.
2. Single and polyamorous
There are people who enjoy being single, and at the same time look for emotional connection with multiple partners. They may say about themselves that they are single while they also share loving connections with the partners they choose to do so.
Some cultures see people who have multiple partners as “sinners”, and many people who would like to have love bonds with various partners do not pursue their feelings out of fear of being judged. If you find yourself in this situation, ask yourself: “Who is at the wheel of my life: myself or other people?”
I feel that many people are so afraid of being judged, that they would rather suppress their desires and end up living an unfulfilling life. “What would people say?” has crushed more desires than anything else.
If you want to experience love and sex with multiple people, let me remind you that you are allowed to do that: it is your life.
It is estimated that one percent of the population is asexual, a term that is defined as “a person who doesn’t experience sexual attraction”. However, this does not mean that people who identify themselves as asexual cannot have sex if they choose to. Moreover, some can have deep erotic experiences with themselves, and some may simply lack any interest in genital activity (sex is not limited to the genitals). Asexual people may choose to form relationships based on affection or emotional intimacy, and they can feel satisfied with other forms of physical touch. Asexuality is not celibacy, which is defined as choosing to abstain from sex for a period of time or for a lifetime, although there is sexual desire.
If you identify yourself as asexual, or you are just not that interested in genital sex, there is nothing wrong with you, you are as normal as anyone who does not enjoy eating pasta. If you are happy, that is all it matters.
Although two people may not have sex, this does not mean that they can’t have a deep emotional connection or a domestic partnership. This type or partnership is chosen mostly by people who are of different orientations, and who satisfy their sexual needs with someone other than their “official” partner. For example, because members of LGBTQ+ community are physically in danger in some countries, some of them choose to be in “fake marriages” to not get killed (yes, people get killed just because they have a different sexual orientation than the majority!). Because their marriages are nothing more than a facade, they do not have sex with the people to whom they are married. There also are people who choose to no longer have sex with their husbands or wives, but continue to live together, raise children, build businesses etc. People like these often have one or more partners outside the marriage with whom they are sexually intimate.
5. Monogamous by choice
Monogamy is the “default” type of relationship, but in most cases the exclusivity (both emotional and sexual) is presumed, not discussed before entering the partnership. For a thriving monogamous relationship, the terms need to be discussed and agreed upon, and both partners need to make an informed and responsible decision to be exclusive. Basically, monogamy needs to be mutually agreed on, for both partners to feel safe and happy. If you are currently single and you are interested in a romantic relationship, and you identify yourself as monogamous, then you should ask the people you are dating:
Would you like to be sexually exclusive or do you prefer to have other partners with whom you have sexual interactions?
Would you like to be emotionally exclusive or do you prefer to have other partners with whom you have an emotional connection?
Before deciding, give some thought to the fact that monogamy requires you to sacrifice your wants or even needs if your partner cannot or will not meet them. If this is alright for you, then you can consciously choose to be in a monogamous relationship. If this is not alright for you, know that there are other types of relationships which may be more suitable for you.
I will write about them in next week’s article, so please subscribe to my newsletter to get notified when I post it.