Although this is a subject people don't discuss about openly, both men and women have complaints when it comes to their sex lives. In this article, I will speak about the mistakes some men make in bed and in a future article I will write about the mistakes some women make. My belief is that relationships and sex are areas anyone can get better at, if they want to and if they consciously put in the work.
“I love him, but I don't like having sex with him. He bores me, every single time it goes the same way… and he only cares about his own pleasure. There is no touch, almost no kisses, and it doesn’t last as long as I need to feel satisfied. What can I do?”
Many women go through this and experience a lot of frustration and disappointment, but they don't communicate with their partners because they feel shame or fear to do so. However, honest conversations are a must for any couple that wants to build a healthy and happy partnership. I wrote this article with the intention to help you start these conversions and also to provide some solutions for these issues.
1. Not asking for consent
Expecting your partner to be in the mood for love-making all the time is not realistic. That is why it is very important to ask your partner if she wants to make love to you when you want to make love to her. Otherwise, if you push or manipulate her into having sex with you, this is an abuse and may have repercussions over your relationship, in the sense that she will build resentment towards you over time, and may even distance herself emotionally from you.
How to change this:
Say to your partner, “I would love to make love to you, how do you feel about this?”
Accept her answer, even though you may not like it. Respecting your partner’s choices and feelings is an essential aspect of a loving relationship.
Sometimes women are not in the mood for sexual intimacy because they have other unsatisfied needs (like appreciation, support, affection, more quality time together etc.), so ask your partner “How can I love you better?” and then start incorporating into your habits the things she says she needs, while also respecting your own boundaries and needs.
2. Assuming she is turned on by the same things that turn you on
People are different. They like different foods, different clothes, different houses and the same applies to lovemaking. One woman can be turned on by eye-gazing while another one can have her fire lit up by direct genital touch, or by a massage or, why not, by a slap on the ass. Partnerships where she likes something and he likes something else are pretty common.
How to change this:
It is important to ask each other what gets you aroused and makes you have an orgasm. Now, not all people know this about themselves, because most people do not know their own bodies. Developing a self-pleasure practice does not only help you discover what and how you like, but also helps you increase your body’s capacity for pleasure (yay to minutes and even hours-long orgasmic states!)
Another thing that can help is to do a (s)exploration session, where you take turns in exploring your bodies and discovering your specific sensitive areas, pleasurable types of touches, how to use various objects (like feathers, scarves, vibrators, etc.) in order to increase your ecstasy.
3. Rabbit style sex
In-out-done.
Although there are times when having a quickie is great, transforming this into a habit is a real bummer.
Why? Well, imagine eating fast food for every meal on every single day. In a few months you will become very fat and very unhappy. The same thing applies to “fast” sex. Our bodies are built for feeling a huge amount of pleasure. However, by having no more than a few minutes of sex, you cannot experience the multitude of sensations, feelings, states, connections and ultimately the amazing orgasms (this applies to both men and women).
How to change this:
Get curious and creative. Incorporate more communication, touch and positions into your erotic play. Sex is supposed to be fun, pleasant, ecstatic. Imagine your partner’s body is like a canvas, and you are painting a masterpiece with your hands, lips, tongue etc. You can use any part of your body into this creative play.
4. Selfishness
If you care only about your own sexual pleasure, then your partner may feel frustrated and dissatisfied and may stop making love or look for better sex outside the relationship. The pattern that I have noticed in some couples is that the woman does not state her sexual needs to the man, he does not know there is a problem and continues having sex in the same way, and the woman ends up by faking orgasms.
How to change this:
Becoming a selfless person is not necessarily a fast and easy thing to do, but if you are in a partnership, it is essential to pay attention and take care of your partner’s needs. The easiest way to do this is to start asking your partner, “How can I satisfy you better?” or “What can I do so you enjoy sex more, what do you need from me? Show me.” Asking them what and how they like is highly needed, desired and appreciated.
5. Making love the same way every single time
Each one of us has their own habits and preferred ways to do things, and sex is no exception. Maybe you start by kissing her, and then move directly to genital touch, or maybe you watch some porn and then move to penetration. Although this may be your “go to” strategy, in time this can become boring and unappealing. Imagine wearing the same T-shirt every day without washing it, how would you feel?
How to change this:
Start looking out for resources like books, articles, toys, and consider even investing in a coaching program so you expand your sexual repertoire, and become an even better lover and partner. Almost all people have sex, but not everybody has great sex. Ultimately, the more you open yourself to pleasure and connection, the better your life will be.
Life is too short for boring sex. Take action now and start the next big project of your life: a sex life filled with new tools and techniques, sensual touches, excitement, mischievous play, lust and amazing orgasms!